Don't Eat The Brownies
by Ripper
Summary: Goku. Vegeta. Pharmaceutical related hi-jinx. Male bonding. You know you want it.


Yeah, I know: this is the second time this has been posted. But I re-read it the other day and decided to do a cursory beta-ing, in a futile effort to introduce a little non-sucking here. At least now it won't hurt your eyes so much.  
  
  
  
"Ahhh, nothing like a walk downtown on a sun-shiny-day with your bestest buds in the whole wide world. Right, guys?" Goku grinned at Bulma and Vegeta.  
  
"Sure is, Goku!" said Bulma cheerfully, as the three strolled down the street, looking at the trash and treasure on the market stalls. "Don't you think so, Vegeta?"  
  
"*Seethe*" said Vegeta.  
  
Bulma frowned. "I said, don't you think so, 'geta?"  
  
Goku laughed like a friggin' maniac. 'Ah-hahahaha, oh Bulma, you silly thing. Don't worry about Vegeta; he's just a little cranky that it's taking us so long to find the stuff we need." He gave Vegeta a friendly punch on the shoulder. "Right, big guy?"  
  
"Touch me again and I'll pull out your rib cage and wear it as a hat."  
  
"Ah-hahahaha, you're such a kidder! Isn't he a kidder, Bulma?" Goku gave Vegeta another friendly punch.  
  
"I wasn't kidding. Don't touch me."  
  
"Well, what if I-" Goku made to poke Vegeta in the chest.  
  
"No! Not even through fabric."  
  
Bulma, sensing testosterone poisoning, wandered away down the street.  
  
"Tou-chy, tou-chy, tou-chy...gonna getcha!" Goku poked Vegeta, still smiling like a damn lunatic.  
  
'STOP IT!" Vegeta exploded, grabbing Goku by the front of his shirt and screaming into his face. "I SAID DON'T TOUCH ME AND I MEANT DON'T TOUCH ME! Why is it so hard for you to grasp this simple, simple concept?" Vegeta's voice was edged with gravel. "Do. Not. Touch. Me. EVER! And- what? Stop that! Stop laughing! STOP IT!"  
  
"I think somebody needs a hug."  
  
"AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!"  
  
"Oh, hey! You guys!" called Bulma, breaking up a potentially ugly scene (fighting or hugging...either way). She waved to them from a stall near the end of the street. "Over here! I think this guy has what we need."   
  
Vegeta glared at Goku. "We'll settle this later, Kakarott." With that, he turned on his heel and stormed off like an absurdly haired six year old girl, knocking over pedestrians as he went.   
  
"Hmmm," thought Goku, as he wandered after him, "Something about Vegeta seems a little on edge, but I can't quite put my finger on it...oh, well. Probably just my imagination. Ooooh cool, that guy has a poodle! Oh, wait; it's just his shoes. I wonder how it would feel if I shaved my entire body...Oh, hey! Corn dog stand!"  
  
  
"Listen to me, you filth-encrusted patchouli-reeking cretin: I'm going to ask you One Last Time," growled Vegeta, gripping the stall owner by the front of his embroidered peasant blouse. "If you don't give me a straight answer, I am going to punch into your skull, rip out your brain with the spinal cord still attached, tie it to your legs, nail it up on a wall and set you on fire! Clear?"   
  
The stall owner, Savetheredwoods (till recently known as Kevin), whimpered something that could have been yes.   
  
"Gooooooood..." said Vegeta through gritted teeth. "Now: Do. You. Have. The. Damn. Herbs?"  
  
"Yes!" squealed Kevin. "I mean, no, not all of them, not here, like, y'know, actually here in the traditional sense of the word, but...AAARGH!"  
  
"Vegeta, enough!" scolded Bulma , slapping his shoulder.  
  
"Don't touch me, woman."  
  
Bulma rolled her eyes. "We're never going to get a straight answer out of the poor man if you keep threatening him like that! Jeez, relax."  
  
"Relax?!?" Vegeta bristled. "When this...this...*herbalist* keeps trying to sell me fung shooey and WILL NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!"  
  
"Okay, first of all, it's*feng shui* and second, it's not that big a deal! All we need are the herbs Chi Chi asked us to get. We made a deal, remember: you can either stay and help us and act like a decent person, or you can go back to Kame House and help Master Roshi file his, ahem, 'graphic novels'." Vegeta pondered this for a second. "The senior citizen ones." added Bulma.  
  
"I'll be good!"  
  
"Uh, sir? Sir?" stammered Savetheredwoods.  
  
"What the hell do you want now, you snivelling- Uh, I mean; Yes shopkeep, what is your request?"  
  
"Um, could you put me down now?" whimpered Savetheredwoods, still hanging by his shirt, "Please? Pretty please? Only this thing has to be dry cleaned and-"  
  
*WHUMP*  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"Now," Bulma smiled down at the be-dreadlocked stall owner on the ground. "We need...let's see, we need oregano, cinnamon, saffron..."  
  
"Uh, we don't have the cinnamonPLEASEDON'TKILLMEOHGOD!"  
  
"Vegeta! That's all right, we'll just take the others. Oh, hey Goku, we're almost done."  
  
"Rwwly? Kwl. Smmrry mi llt, m gmt umygry." Said Goku as he strolled up, five corndogs in each hand and three stuffed in his mouth.  
  
"Kakarott, you brainless brute, where were you?!?" snarled Vegeta. "This whole wretched thing was your idea, and you don't even have the decency to help. Do you realise I almost had to do the woman purchasing chore thing because of you?"  
  
"Wmnm prrffifng chr fng?" asked Goku.  
  
"He means shopping," sighed Bulma. "Speaking of which, we're pretty much done here, so why don't you boys go on ahead?"  
  
"Fine snapped Vegeta, "But not because you said so. I was planning to do so all along."  
  
"Mye, Mlma!" waved Goku, starting on the other corndogs.  
  
"Don't walk so close, Kakarott. Dammit, if anyone thinks we know each other, I swear I'll...where did you get that corndog?"  
  
  
A little later...  
  
  
"Okay, you guuuuyyysss!" bounced Bulma, 'All done! Oooh, is that a corn dog stand?"  
  
Goku grinned sheepishly. "Uhhh, kinda. I mean, 'till recently, it was. Me and Vegeta kinda cleared it out. Sorry."  
  
"*urp*" said Vegeta.  
  
"Oh well, never mind." Bulma sat down. "I just hope you save enough room for desert."  
  
Saiyan ears prick up. "Desert, you say?" Goku licked his lips. "What kind?"  
  
Bulma fished around in her shopping bag. "It's from that guy at the street stall, what was his name? Savethecedars? Anyway, as I was leaving, he gave me...ta da! These!" She held a packet of brownies aloft. "He said they came with "special herbs and spices", whatever that means."  
  
Goku and Vegeta's faces lit up like an electrocuted possum. "Oooh, brownies...gimme!"  
  
Goku grabbed at them. Bulma grinned at poked him. "You big kid, Goku. Here ya go. Now don't eat it all at-" Whoomph! Slurp. "-once."  
  
"Ooops." Grinned Goku as he licked crumbs from his fingers. 'Sorry, ya gotta be quick. Hey, Vegeta, you gonna eat that?"  
  
Vegeta poked his brownie suspiciously. "Very suspicious," he said. "That...thing...gave you these?"  
  
"Well, yeah," shrugged Bulma, "He said I especially had to give one to my "seriously negative vibe merchant friend"- don't worry, I told him we're not friends-'cause he thought it might help 're-align your karma", or something."  
  
Vegeta poked the brownie again. "And did he or anyone who's ever been in contact with him actually*touch* them at any stage whatsoever?"  
  
"Well," said Goku, reaching for the Very Suspicious Brownie, "If you don't want it..."  
  
Whoomph!  
  
"Damn," pouted Goku.  
  
"Hmmm..." mused Vegeta, chewing slowly, "Not bad. Not bad at all. If I get Hippy Germs, I'm going to be very upset."  
  
"Shut up and have another brownie." Bulma pushed the packet towards him.  
  
"'kay."  
  
  
  
A Little Later Again...  
  
  
'Well, sighed Bulma, stretching, "I think we've seen everything this market has to offer. Guess we'd better get those herbs back to ChiChi, huh guys?"  
  
"Yup," yawned Goku, "I'm about ready to head home. How about you, Vegeta?"  
  
Vegeta smiled. "Mmmm..." he said dreamily, "Home...home...so soft and squishy, like...like...ice cream. Yeah. No, like soap. The white kind, not the other sort. It makes me itch."  
  
Bulma and Goku paused, and looked at each other. "Um, Vegeta," asked Bulma, "Does that mean yes or no?"  
  
"Itchy itchy itchy."  
  
"Uh, Vegeta?" said Goku cautiously, "I'm glad you're in such a, um, good mood, but we really have to go home now."  
  
"Home?"  
  
"Home."  
  
"Home..."  
  
"Oh, man," Goku shook his head. "Bulma, I think we'd better take the Capsule Corp copter home with you. I don't think Vegeta's gonna be able to fly."  
  
"Oh yes," Vegeta spun around in a circle, "I could fly all night with you, Mr Belvedere. You have the most divine ankles."  
  
Bulma and Goku blinked. "Capsule copter it is," agreed Bulma.  
  
  
  
Little Later Again Again...  
  
  
  
"Please place your metaphors in the upright paradox, it's off to Constantinople with the lot of you! Ha-HA!" Vegeta yelled at the ceiling.   
  
Goku shook his head. "I think he's getting worse," he whispered to Bulma, "He keeps singing 'Hey Jude', in a monotone. What do you think's wrong with him?"  
  
Bulma adjusted the controls. "I've been wondering about those brownies that weird guy gave us. He might have put something in them...But then, you ate them too, and you're fine, right?"  
  
"Oh, absolutely. It's Hogan and those other rascals who keep messing up the works, with all their bicycles and their fancy doo-dads." said Goku matter-of-factly.  
  
Bulma blinked. "Goku, what are you talking about?"  
  
"Oh, nothing. It's just that THERE ARE SPIDERS UNDER MY SKIN! OMIGOD GET 'EM OFFA ME! GET 'EM OFFA ME! AAA! AAA! AAAAAAAAA!!!" Goku ran frantically around the cockpit, tearing at his face. Meanwhile, Vegeta lay quietly in the back seats, staring intently at his hand as he moved it slowly back and forth in front of his face. "Nananananananaaa, nanananaaa, hey Jude," he sang.  
  
"Goku!" screamed Bulma, "Stop it! You're scaring me. I can't fly straight when you're destroying the cockpit like that!"  
  
"Huh?" Goku stopped dead. "Oh, man, I'm sorry Bulma. I don't know what came over me."  
  
Bulma sighed with relief. "That's okay, Goku, I just thought for a second there you were going like Vegeta."  
  
"Oh, well, I'm real sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you." Goku said sorrowfully, sitting down next to Bulma.   
  
"Well, that's okay, Goku. Just don't do it again, okay?"  
  
"No, really," insisted Goku, "I would never want to scare you like that."  
  
"I said it's fine, Goku. Can you lean back and check on Veg-"  
  
"I mean, who would ever want to frighten a beautiful, sexy, graceful woman like you?"  
  
Bulma smiled and self-consciously neatened her hair. "Well, thank you, Goku, but I- what is your hand doing on my thigh? Goku. Goku! GOKU! GO- mhfmfhmh! Ew, was that your tongue in my mouth?!?"  
  
"Hold it right there, Kakarott!" came a voice from the back seat. Vegeta hauled himself upright, grabbed hold of Goku's hair, and jerked his face away from Bulma's.  
  
"Vegeta!" yelped Bulma as the copter lurched, "Get him off me! Dammit, Goku, do you want us to crash?!?" She pushed Goku off her lap, slipped on the auto pilot, and turned around to glare at the two Saiyans. "Alright, I don't know what's wrong with you two. But you'd damn well better sit down and shut up until we get back home, or so help me I'll...I'll...are you listening to me?"  
  
As it happened, Vegeta and Goku were busy circling each other, glowering. "I said I had something to settle with you, Kakarott, and I meant it!" spat Vegeta. "Now, are you going to try and fight me like a man, or turn and run like the coward I've always thought you to be?"  
  
"Oh, no," moaned Bulma, "Why does he have to get aggressive here, of all places. Goku, help me talk some sense into him, will you?"  
  
Goku smirked. "I don't think so, Bulma. For once His *Majesty* and I are in agreement. We'll see who's the coward," he added, glaring at Vegeta.   
  
Bulma gaped. "He's lost it," she said to herself. "It's been a long time coming, but he's finally gone cracked. Oh, God, I hate being me."  
  
"Silence, Woman!" snapped Goku. He turned back to Vegeta. "I've been waiting a very long time for this."  
  
Vegeta smiled coolly back at him. "You and me both."  
  
  
Still Later...  
  
  
"And when I was six," sniffed Vegeta, "I asked Dad to come outside and play ball with me. And do you know what he said to me?"  
  
Goku shook his head.  
  
"He said, 'You're far too old for such trivial games'! To a six year old!" Vegeta sobbed, burying his face in his hands.   
  
Goku patted his shoulder. "That is so, so wrong," he sniffed.   
  
"And after that, he wouldn't even let me go to games any more. I couldn't even w-w-watch it!"  
  
Bulma glanced away from the controls at the two Saiyans, sitting cross-legged on the floor, sobbing. "I swear," she fumed to herself, "if they have one more mood swing, someone's in for a world of hurt. Oh, well. We'll be home soon. And at least they aren't trying to kill each other again."  
  
Goku handed Vegeta his hanky. "Th-thank you," sniffed Vegeta.  
  
*phranpghragh *  
  
"Sniff. Ew. You want this back?"  
  
"Uh, no, Vegeta, you keep it."  
  
Tears welled up in Vegeta's eyes. "You're so, so kind! You know, my whole life, no-one's ever been as kind to me as you guys have! You treated me like a friend, even after I tried to kill you, and Bulma gave me head-"  
  
"Dammit, Vegeta, you promised not to tell!"   
  
"-and what did I give you in return? Nothing! I'm a bad, bad person..."  
  
"Oh, hey, no," said Goku, "You're a great person, Vegeta!"  
  
Vegeta hugged him tight and burst into tears again. "I love you, man!"  
  
"I love you too!" sobbed Goku.  
  
"No, no, man, I really love you!"  
  
"No, man, I really love you!"  
  
And as she flew homewards into the sunset, Bulma thought, "I'm gonna kill that fuckin' hippy."  
  
The End. 


End file.
